Teachers Write! July 10 - Voice

Today is Friday Feedback for Teachers Write! with Gae Polisner but I thought I'd post here, too. We also had a lesson on trying to work voice into our writing. The author was encouraging us to add humor to our writing by using similes and metaphors or something unexpected. I think I'm going to have to continue to work on that because I sat kind of stumped. I will keep this lesson in mind as I continue to write, so what I did do was try to add some similes  and strong verbs (I call the vivid verbs with my kiddos) into my writing because that's something I ask my students to do. I figured that if I ask them to do it, I'd better put myself in their shoes and see if I could do it. It's tough, this writing thing!

Here goes...

This is my character description from yesterday. We were asked to write about what our character loves.

Molly loves to swim the most. She is like a fish - that's what her mom says. If there's water, she's in it. She will swim all day if she gets the chance. Sometimes it's hard though because none of her friends like it as much as she does, so she runs out of swimming buddies. It's a good thing her mom and Granny love to swim. They'll always swim with her.

Revised description:

Molly took to the water like a fish to swimming. She had a powerful affinity to the water, wanting to swim all day. Sometimes her friends would want to play on the beach in the sand, building castles and animal statues. That was okay with Molly to do for a bit, but the water called to her like sirens of the sea. She couldn't stay out for long resist the temptation. She would charge back into the clear lake like a tank in battle and belly flop causing a tsunami of tides. She gazed across the lake, the water glistening like a mirror, and charged into the water like a tank in battle, belly-flopping, causing a tsunami in her wake.

We'll see what tomorrow's writing brings:)